Monday, June 6, 2011

A Fresh Start - Part I

I debated long and hard about posting any of this on the blog, but the truth is, what is posted here is my life, and this is a new chapter. I suppose I could have left it all unsaid and maybe the “old” life would just fade away in the background, but I think I owe it to the three people that read here. This is a part one of the story, I am not sure how many parts there will be, but this is the beginning. More to come will be a new blog design and a new URL address, details to come on the later.

Over and over I have alluded to changes, boy have there been!! The last two years has been chaos to say the least, daily prayers asking for guidance, patience, and help, sleepless nights, tears, you name it. But it is over now – the worry is gone, the tears are gone, the sleepless nights are gone. They have been replaced with peace, smiles, laughter and a fresh new start!

One year ago today I made a decision that would change the lives of everyone in my family. I left my husband of seven years a month later. My choice was to leave – things were bad, emotionally horrible, I was having a hard time hiding it. People knew something was wrong, people knew more than I was telling with out me knowing they knew, people kept asking to help, I kept praying God would change things.

One night I lay in bed praying for God to change him, show him what he needs to do, guide him, shine through him. Then I heard it, “You can’t stay, you need to leave.” That was later solidified by the beginning of WWIII that started weeks later at 4am. I began to rationalize what I was hearing, He must mean take a break, God doesn’t want marriages to end. The stigma of divorce to me was so un-Christian-like. Not to say that I don’t know some very devout Christians that have been divorced, but I never thought it would be me. Even more I thought that I could not continue walking in my Faith if I were to get divorced. I felt for a fleeting moment that I would be looked down upon, not revered, and that I would be disappointing people all around me.

Then, I heard Him again and the feeling was gone, “You are precious, you are strong, you can do it.”

My plan was to spend the next few months getting my affairs in order, and planning my escape. Funny how God looks down on us and laughs at “our plans.” Looking back I see why WWIII started that day, He orchestrated a scene He knew I would not be able to put in the back of my mind. All the while I am sure he was telling me “I said leave, why won’t you listen to me?” Knowing full well that after those events there would be no turning back. And there wasn’t. I tried and tried to go back to sleep – to no avail. I thought about packing the kids up in the middle of the night and leaving. But to where? There were five people living in my sister’s 1500 sq ft home, and 4 people in my parents’ home. I had no savings to my name and I thought I had no where to go. And I rethought the idea of packing the kids up in the middle of the night – I would figure it out in the morning.

I called my sister that morning, after a very restless night. She started to tell me to move in with her, I skirted the subject and said I would figure something out. Then my mom called, I said nothing to her, I didn’t want her to know. Then my dad showed up at my door, we talked, I cried, I told him everything, and he told me to pack my bags, he left. I packed my bags, I had two suite cases and fit what ever I could of my things and the kids’ that I knew we needed, my mom pulled into my driveway and helped me load up our stuff. That was the first time in months I felt like I could breathe, there was such a weight lifted off my chest – it’s hard to put into words. As we pulled out of the driveway, I thought I should be sad, I should be crying, I should be at least a little upset, I wasn’t. I vaguely remember smiling as I heard “I am with you.”


Stacey said...

Good luck, girlfriend! I have been in your shoes before, so I do,somewhat, know how you feel. Just keep on letting God lead your way.

Cassie said...

I'm glad to hear that you are happy. That the decision wasn't a bad one. The lord knows what is best. I'm sorry your family had to go through a divorce, but it sounds like it was for the better.

amy said...

Oh Megan- that gave me chills. Love how you so clearly have been hearing the Lord speak- His ways are better than our ways, His plans better than ours. I'm proud of you and praying for your next stage! Your kiddos are BLESSED to have YOU as Mama.

Lisa, aka AP said...

Megan, I've been trying to catch up on everyone and found this...I'm *so glad for you and your kids. I know how hard it is to make that step, I had to make it myself, but the feeling of lightness is incredible once it's done, isn't it? I'm so very glad you're free of that pain.

Happy 4th of July to you and yours. :-)